Happy Monday lovelies I hope you have all had a wonderful day. I have been super busy today I had work this morning it was a total drag and then I came home and did some bloke things and replied to some emails and the usual boring stuff I get up to when I finish work.
I thought I would do a post just to keep you guys in the loop as to why I have not been posting and as much and why have not been as active as a used to be. I know if you of you have noticed my absence lately and I do apologise. I am just going to jump straight into what’s been going on.
I have always sucked at relationships there is no way to deny that but recently I have been sort of seeing someone but not seeing them if that makes sense, I don’t know where they are at and what they’re feeling but for me I’m really enjoying the company and I would like to see them or without trying to sound desperate or anything!
I recently had to think long and hard about my friends and people who aren’t my friends but are. I know that sounds really complicated and trust me it is. I am starting to realise that I have held a lot of things back and I’ve not been able to express my true emotions for the fear that I’ve upset someone or I make things awkward, but I need to and make those decisions and put myself in that situation before things escalate or carry on the way they are.
I I’m currently feeling a bit low or the whole relationship thing I feel like I would like a relationship with someone who like completely gets me and understands the things I’ve been through and I just feel at the moment that I’m not good enough for someone, I feel like they could go out there and find someone better than me and that would be if you cut off again and I really don’t want that. I know this is just showing me insecurities and that’s not attractive or whatever that the truth of the matter is I’ve not had someone he’s made me feel this good in so long and there’s things I have to tell them that I know is going to ruin what we have and it sucks.
My family is just drama after drama, it’s sad to say that I would be happy if I can just move to the other side of the country and not have to deal with them.
The work is unbelievably stressful, for a care home there is so much drama that happens here it should literally be a TV programme! I’ve picked up so much overtime as well. It’s definitely going to take its toll on me that’s for sure.
I feel like shit, my self esteem has gone out the window, I’m back to feeling so lost and so alone. At the moment I spend a lot of my time fake smiling because I feel that’s the only way I can get by. I cry to myself all the time which is really sad! Even now I’m crying. I should be so happy, I’ve done things that I didn’t think would happen, I’ve got so much good in my life, yet there is just something in the back of my brain that just wants to cause this misery and unfortunately I can’t work out what it is or how to stop it.
I think after this month, I’m going to take time away and sort myself out. I need to find my passions, I need to find my direction in life. I feel as if everyone else around me has their life figured out and I’m just a total mess.
I don’t know when I’ll come back to blogging or social media I don’t really have anything planned out. I just know that at the end of August I will be saying goodbye and I will be taking time to work myself trying to get myself back to where I used to be. I need to figure out what setting your back and how to overcome that and I need to just work out what I want from life.
I hope you all understand. I’m of course not just going to shut you out because I’m going through a hard time, my loyalty is to you so don’t ever feel like you can’t come to me because I will always put you guys first. I just wanted to put myself on the line essentially show you my vulnerability and let you know where I’m at.
I have scheduled the interview post to go up on the Tuesdays so I am not abandoning that and I will share those when they’re up but there won’t be any other place besides them and I won’t be on my Instagram and Twitter unless I’m sharing with interviews.
Thank you so much for reading I’m really sorry that this post has sucked, so much for the best month ever right. As I said there will be posts this month I have reviews scheduled to come up in the next few weeks and other post scheduled so I’m not going to abandon that now. I just felt that I needed to tell you what’s going on now before things get worse and you start worry about me because that’s the last thing I want.
I hope you all have a wonderful evening I’m really sorry if I have ruined your good mood.
Lots of love,