Hello my loves,
Happy Monday, how are you? I hope you’re all having a great start to your week. Today I am bringing you a different kind of post. I don’t usually post things like this on here because a) most of you don’t actually care about this stuff which is okay and b) it makes me very very vulnerable.
I cannot say I have had the best year, I had a crappy start to the year, I became seriously ill back in March after having my tonsils taken out, I then lost my uncle which was a very hard hit, especially because he wasn’t ill, it was a complete unexpected shock. I think it was worse because I hadn’t seen him since Christmas Eve because I cancelled my day with him to go to work instead. That’s for sure a decision I regret.
I have now lost my Gran. She died on the 11th August 2019. I was expecting it to happen, but just not so soon. She was in and out of hospital a lot and the dreaded C word was the cause of her illness. I also have huge regrets when it comes to her death. I hadn’t seen her in a while, I was too busy travelling and just thinking of myself. I had been selfish and I do 100% wish I made more of an effort with her.
I have been thinking a lot recently and I am struggling a little. I am trying to find the right way to deal with this but I am quickly learning there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Not everyone deals with things in the same way and that’s completely okay.
I have spent my time just crying, like non stop crying to the point where my body just aches and I have no energy to do anything. I have also spent my time distracting myself in any way possible, from spending time with my friends, to cleaning over and over again, to going out and having a laugh.
I still haven’t found my way to grieve. I feel like I am still missing something, I am not finding a way to heal myself and that’s what I need to do the most. I hate that I feel lost, I have no sense of direction and that really scares me because I feel like I could break down at any given point.
I would just like to say to anyone who is going through the same kind of situation, no matter your loss, it’s okay not to feel okay, it’s okay if you’re breaking down and feeling like crap, but it’s also okay of you’re going out, laughing, smiling with friends. It’s okay to feel like you have everything together and it’s okay to feel like you don’t. Grief is not a race, you deal with it in your own time, in your own way.
I’d like for you know that I will be okay, I just need to figure things out on my own, but if any of you feel like you need someone to talk to and don’t feel like you can confide in your family or friends, you can always message me. Everything stays confidential I promise.
Right, that’s all I am going to say today, thank you for reading my post. I know it’s been one long ramble but I just needed to get things out of my head.
I will be back on Wednesday with another post.
Sending you lots of love,